Jokes That Are So Terrible Their Funny
Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.
The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: Dear, breakfast is made. I've gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there's breakfast. Joe, he says to his son, what happened last night?
You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.
So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?
Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'
KKK Pastor
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
A psychologist tells the troubled man:
tell me about your childhood.
man: it was a horrible time doc, I used to have a twin and everyone accused me for all the troubles he made.
psychologist: what did you do about it?
man: i had my revenge last week..
psychologist: how?
man: I died and they buried him instead.
My grandfather drowned in varnish recently.
A horrible way to go, but a lovely finish.
An old guy with a horrible toupee stopped me in the parking lot to tell me this random joke...made me crack up.
How do you get down from an elephant??
YOU DON'T! You get down from a goose!!
Why was the sapling such a horrible entrepreneur?
Because he couldn't branch out.
Two guys died in a car crash...
There were these two friends, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them. St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time." St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven. Now it was the second man's turn. St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied,"here's a picture of my wife, and I never cheated on her." St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven. After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your wife on a skateboard."
worst day
A small man sits in a bar with his beer when another, larger man comes into the bar walks up to the small one, hits him on the shoulder grabs his beer and drinks it in one shot. The small one then starts crying horrible. The other man starts to feel sorry for him and says: "Hey man, it's just a beer, i'll get you another" The small man continues crying and replies:
"Just a beer? Then listen to what happened to me today. I got fired, my wife left me, got thrown out of my house, my bank account got closed. I decided to take my life. I want to cut my wrists, knife blunt. I lay on the railway, dead track. I want to hang myself, rope tears. Now I buy some beer with the little money I have left, pour poison in it, and you drink it!"
I've got a horrible memory.
I couldn't remember what onomatopoeia or metaphor meant and then BAM it hit me like lighting. It was like the time I remembered similes and realized I am dumb as a box of rocks.
A man is feeling horrible and goes to the doctor.
The doctor runs numerous tests that last for hours. Finally, he walks back in, a grim expression on his face.
"I have your results back," the doctor says, "and I'm afraid it's not good. I'm going to tell you this directly, you really don't have long to live."
The man is understandably stunned and struggles to find the right words. "I-I... how long do I have?"
The doctor sighs. "10."
There's a pause before the man speaks "Ten? Ten what? Ten weeks, ten months?"
"9."
Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?
Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,
"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"
You can explore horrible godawful reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean horrible abominable dad jokes. There are also horrible puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why was the lazy-eyed man a horrible teacher?
Because he couldn't control his pupils.
Some guy at the bar I went to last night told two horrible jokes about Malaysia Airlines.
The first one received no response and the second one was shot down in flames.
A man and his wife find an S & M magazine under their son's bed.
Mom says "This is horrible, what should we do?"
Dad replies, "Well we can't spank him!"
Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture to board his flight?
#Because of the horrible stench coming from his carrion luggage.
*I deserve any and all insulting comments I will get for this joke, I make no excuses for myself and should probably be ashamed.*
*
Horrible joke I made up as a kid
Why are frogs on the endangered species list?
Because they croak a lot!
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "
Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil
It only cost him a Penny
There is a Hispanic train conductor going around committing horrible crimes..
No one knows why, but it's clear he has a loco motive.
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?
I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
A man is walking through the woods...
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
My wife came out to me after for horrible years of marriage and revealed she was a lesbian and that she wished she'd married another woman
Which finally gave us something in common.
What's an author's favorite drink?
Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P)
Two Women Talking in Heaven
1 Woman: Hi, Wandal
2 Woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
1 Woman: I froze to death.
2 Woman: How horrible!
1 Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2 Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1 Woman: So what happened?
2 Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1 Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-we'd both still be alive.
When I graduated high school I wanted to buy a motorcycle..
When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. - Anthony Jeselnik
Why is North Korea horrible?
Because they have no Seoul.
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
After my grandfather's funeral...
I scattered his remains all over my back garden.
Which was horrible, because he hadn't been cremated.
Guys wife in horrible accident & now in a coma...
...& seems hopeless. However one of the nurses noticed slight movement when sponging her private parts & encouraged the husband to try & arouse her. Try a little oral sex is all, you never know. We'll give you privacy. So the husband goes in, but 2 minutes later the wife flat-lines & dies. The nurse runs in & asks what happened.
"I'm not positive, but I think she choked to death!"
Mahatma Ghandi never wore shoes...
Gandhi never wore shoes, and so his feet were always covered in loads of callouses and blisters. And because he never ate food, he was always very frail. Furthermore his fasting caused him to have horrible breath. So...
I guess you could say he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."
"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"
"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."
What colour bricks?
Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.
My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!
If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?
None, a green house is made out of glass.
Donald Trump is being held hostage...
Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"
Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"
Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB guns, 18 Glocks, 15 magnums, 21 bobcats, and $12 million in bullets.
What's a horrible icebreaker?
The titanic
A man sits in a restaurant and cries. The waiter comes and
A man sits in a restaurant and cries. The waiter comes and asks what happened. The man replies: My wife told me that she wouldn't talk to me for a month. The waiter replies, Oh no, that's horrible! Man: Yes!!! (Sobs) Today that month is over.
What I learned from small crosses placed along the roadside with flowers.
Christians are horrible drivers.
There's a gang in my neighborhood that recruits members by threatening them with all sorts of horrible punishments and tortures if they don't join ..
but enough about the Church ..
Hilary Clinton goes to a psychic. The soothsayer tells her, "Your husband will die a horrible violent death."
Hilary asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
A friend of mine died recently
A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.
So a scientist creates a robot
And he asks the robot, "can you feel pain"
The robot says, "yes however not like a normal human, I feel everything deeper and in slow motion."
"my god that's horrible that can't be true!"
"You're correct it isn't true, however we do have a dark sense of humor."
My girlfriend just dumped me because I she says I talk too much about video games...
...It's a horribl**e** thing to Fallout 4.
We've had a horrible winter this year.
It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.
A nun was out for a walk...
...when a black van pulls up beside her. A man jumps out and drags her into the van were he proceeds to rape her. When he's done he stands up beside her and asks:
- So what are you gonna tell your sisters when you get back?
- I will tell them the truth. That a horrible man attacked me and raped me twice.
- Twice? the man asks.
- Yes. the nun replies. If your not in a rush of course?
My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24
What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.
I agree that there should be different NSFW tags for violent and sexual content
Nothing changes my mood more than seeing naked people while I'm trying to enjoy horrible gore.
Horrible joke
So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.
The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"
Sex in a sleeping bag is horrible
It's really cramped, sweaty, too warm and then to top it all off you have the scout masters grubby hand over your mouth
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby in Glasgow.
The bus driver turns to her and says Oi! That there's the ugliest baby I've ever seen, you should be ashamed of yourself, bringing a baby like that out in public. It's disgusting! She rushes to the back of the bus in tears, and a gentleman leans over to her and asks Lassie, why're you crying?
She says Well that bus driver up there just said the most horrible thing to me that anyone's ever said before.
In shock the gentleman exclaims Well you can't just let him get away with that! You've got to get up there and give him a piece of your mind! Here, I'll hold your monkey.
Slapping Old People
An old man and old woman are sitting on their front porch on a bench one day just enjoying the scenery. All of a sudden the old woman looks at her husband and slaps him across his face. He looks and her and says "What was that for?" She said "That is for 40 years of horrible sex!" He is quiet as he absorbs this newly discovered information. Quietly the old man reaches over and slaps his wife across her face. She says "What was that for?" He said "For knowing the difference!"
My uncle used to always say, "it's the journey not the destination that matters".
Nice guy, horrible pilot.
My son used to be horrible at graphing trig functions.
Luckily he's made excellent sines of improvement.
My wife
Not many of you know that my wife was bitten by a rattlesnake over the summer, while we were camping. After two days of horrible, writhing agony, the snake died.
Ancient Rome conquered many lands. The leader of the time decided to tour...
He made it to England where he encountered a type of weather he had never seen before. As the frozen rain fell he asked "what is this?!"
The commander replied "Hail, Cesar".
Cesar replied "Hail! Now, what is this weather?"
...
...
"It's horrible."
"Agree."
Hitlers suicide
One jewish man tells a joke to a woman, so he says:
"Why did hitler commit suicide?"
She said: "I don't know."
he replies:".... He saw the gas bill."
Then she said:"That's horrible! How could you say that!"
And he replies: "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be joking about the holocaust. My great grandfather died in concentration camp."
The girl replies: "I'm so sorry to hear that."
And he says: "Yeah, it's sad, he fell off the guard tower."
I used to know an Italian chef.
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.
I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation.
it was a farfalle from grace.
Sex with my wife is like the England World Cup squad
neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.
It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.
It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again.
My father always told me you gotta fight fire with fire
Great guy, horrible firefighter.
"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Courtesy of my [insert single-digit number] year old son/daughter.
[Horrible pun I thought of last night]
My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish
He had a horrible death but a lovely finish
An optimist and a pessimist are both having a terrible day.
The pessimist complains, this day is horrible, it couldn't get any worse.
The optimist hears this and replies, Oh yes it can.
I always knock on the front door of my fridge ...
Just in case there is a salad dressing.
I had this horrible nightmare last night!
It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!
That's when I woke up and realized, it was just a fanta-sea
Mom got a sex change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
If you suck at playing the trumpet...
...that's probably why.
My neighbor who had horrible jokes passed away this week. This was one of his favorites. Enjoy a good (bad) pun in his memory.
my aunt ruth died in a horrible explosion
they couldn't even find any body parts to put in the casket
the funeral was ruthless.
When I was younger, I had a horrible condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day.
I'm lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
This is such a horrible time for the NRA
First schools are closed, and now this.
After a horrible accident, I woke up in the hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She explained to me sympatheticly, You may not feel anything from the waist down. I nodded and groaned, "I understand."
So I felt her breasts…
One man's trash is another man's treasure
Wonderful saying, horrible way of finding out you're an orphan
I heard Humpty Dumpty had a great summer...
But he had a horrible fall!
Why are spelunkers horrible negotiators?
Because they love to cave.
My girlfriend's ass is like a peach.
It's hairy and makes a horrible yogurt.
\- Gary Delaney
My friend drowned himself in a vat of varnish. He had a horrible end,
...but a lovely finish.
A man sees his doctor for his fart problems.
I've been farting a lot lately, doc, says the man. I've actually farted ten times since I've been in here. But they don't make any noise and they don't smell. Can you help me?
The doctor says, I think I see the problem. I'm going to prescribe you some medicine that should help you. Take it and then come back and see me next week.
One week later, the man returns to the doctor's office. What did that medicine do to me, doc?! My farts smell horrible now!
The doctor says, Well, it looks like that medicine cleaned up your sinuses. Now let's get you a hearing aid.
Why do boomers make horrible cashiers?
Because they're afraid of change.
Can you go to jail for this?
A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.
She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; what are you in for?"
She responds, "possession."
A man goes to the Doctor
and tells him he's been having terrible gas, but his farts don't smell and they are always silent, so nobody seems to notice.
The Doctor prescribes him a pill and asks tells him to come back in a week.
The man returns a week later and the Doctor asks if there had been any change in his condition.
Yes! The man says. I still have terrible gas, but now my farts smell horrible!!
Great! Says the Doctor. Now that we have your sinuses cleared up, let's work on your hearing!
"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great saying,
but it's a horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
What's the different between Bitcoin and my wife?
My wife doesn't go down on me.
Get it? Bitcoins dropping and I'm in a horrible marriage.
(caution, horrible joke) I once asked an employee of a Pepto factory if they had a secret ingredient.
He told me it was none of my bismuth.
Having gay parents must be horrible
Either you get twice the amount of dad jokes or get stuck in the infinite loop of 'ask your mom'
I'm horrible at funerals.
Whenever I'm at funerals for some reason no one ever likes my speeches. You see, when i go up to the podium speak about the deceased, i like to compliment their intelligence. "He knew too much" is what i usually say. Not sure why people give me the funny looks there, and I'm usually kicked out when i add, "it's a shame he had to die".
When I was 16 years old I told my mom I wanted to get a motorcycle...
She said, "You are not buying a motorcycle. My brother, your uncle who you never met, died in a horrible motorcycle accident. You can have his bike."
A rabbi and a priest are discussing their dreams
"I dreamt of the jewish heaven the other night" says the priest "It was horrible, a slum overflowing with people! It was chaos, I tell you, all the people talking and walking around! And making so much noise... Thank God I woke up from that nightmare!"
"Interesting" says the rabbi "The other night I dreamt of the christian heaven. It was the perfect neighbourhood, every house was impeccable, with well-kept lawns and streets!"
"And how were the people?" asks the priest
"People?"
Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.
A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.
The woman starts crying to her husband, sobbing That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!
Confused, he says, Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.
After a few minutes, the woman, still sobbing, asks, How many is a Brazilian?
How does Jeff Bezos tell his doctor that his Covid symptoms are horrible?
Doc, I feel like a million bucks.
You should never play with ouija
Tom is telling his friends not to play with ouija.
"You should never ever play with ouija, it is really horrible..."
His friends are getting nervous. Tom continued,
"Last week, Karen asked ouija a question, and now she is still in that room."
"She asked ouija, '*what is π*' "
Red Cross nurse
A guy walks into a bar and trips and falls sustaining a horrible injury. "Hold still," the bartender exclaims. "We have a Red Cross nurse right here that can help you!" "Just my luck," mutters the guy, "Why couldn't I have a blonde cheerful nurse instead?"
How can we tell that Ariel, The Little Mermaid, is a horrible student?
Even on a curve, her grades are always under the 'C'.
Why are leopards so horrible at hide and seek?
Because they're always spotted.
a marketing mistake
A small business owner walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's business?" the bartender asks. "Horrible. We had quite a fiasco this week. I had a shipment come in containing 100 high-quality T-shirts that featured a glow-in-the-dark design of a 100 dollar bill on the front. They looked really cool in the catalog when we ordered them, but we didn't sell a single one all week," the business owner complains. "I guess it's true. Money doesn't glow on T's. "
Bad boss
My friend Monica confided in me today:
My boss is a horrible man. He says awful things to me.
If he does not take back his words,
seriously, I will pack my shit and I will get the hell out from there.
So I asked: What did he tell you?
She answer:
He told me that I have to pack my shit and get the hell out from there.
Nails on a chalkboard. Which One You Say?
I dunno, both would make a horrible sound.
I told my boss that I had a terrible fall.
He said, "That's fine, don't come in to work today."
Tomorrow I'll tell him I had a horrible summer, too.
Source: https://jokojokes.com/horrible-jokes.html
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